So ... I had this bizarre dream in which I found this partial personal ad on my computer screen:
MCH seeks M/F HS. Duties include heavy petting, play sessions w&w/o toys, and general needs servicing. Knowledge of proper massage techniques and a proven desire to please required.
OMG! I thought in my sleep. Was I having some crazy erotic dream and if so what the hell do those abbreviations mean??
As my sleep self sat staring at the words on the screen, several cats came in, jumped onto my chair only to leap away in surprise when they realized that I was sitting there (I knew I looked like furniture to them), it hit me. My cats were writing a personal ad. Apparently, I must not be properly attending to all off their ever-increasing demands.
I woke up with a start thinking, "Are they freaking kidding me?" I spend a good portion of my day scooping litter boxes, petting bellies, doling out meds, dishing out foodies, dangling string and other cat toys, and alternately picking up/putting on the floor a kitty who has hit the Pounce treats one too many times to maintain her girlish, feline figure. Alas, it seems I will never be human enough to satisfy all of their insatiable needs. The ten minute ordeal I have to go through to extricate myself from under the blankets and the two dogs and at least four or five kitties who simply must sleep right on my legs means nothing to them. And when I return to the bed, I find the nice warm spot I left is no longer available, as several cats have moved over to absorb my heat.
At any rate, I believe I've managed to decipher their code. Multi-cat household seeks Male/Female human slave. I'm still not sure why it needed to worded as an erotic ad, though. Heavy petting = petting them for hours - way beyond the limits of your endurance. And play sessions with and without toys? Well, sure, we have cat teasers - but that whole without toys thing is code for allowing them free range to scratch you. General needs? That means divvying up several different brands and flavors of cat food so everyone gets a little of each - even though they'll repeatedly switch dishes just to make sure you haven't short-changed them or to eat the best flavor before the others get to it. It also means periodically rearranging the furniture to give them new vantage points from which to view the room. Proper massage techniques? I guess they are tired of having to move their little kitty heads around to ensure that I am scratching the appropriate side of their neck or whatever, even though (I kid you not) I once read the section of a massage techniques book that dealt with cat massage! Then we have a proven desire to please. Silly me. I thought that spending more money on pet food than human food each week meant something. And that being on a first name, you-get-a-discount-for-having-so-many-pets basis with the vet was proof of my caring. And what about filling my house with cat trees, scratching posts (which have done nothing to save my couch, by the way), boxes, mats in front of all the heat vents and baskets by the windows to make for optimal sun bathing?
Sigh. I can't even stay mad at them. Benton, my beautiful seal point Siamese lies next to me as soon as I recline on the sofa or the bed. Simone comes to sleep on my legs and then settles in between hubby and me when I move her so I can roll over. Stuff Kitty always sleeps directly on my left. Always. And Darius sleeps above the pillows, purring like mad if you so much as look at him. Shy Jack will even jump up to receive belly rubs once we are both lying down. Fred curls up in a ball next to us, the other kitties, the dogs ... wherever there's room. The others are in and out throughout the night. I never wake up lonely, that's for sure.
The dream ended with me deleting their little ad because the truth is that I wouldn't give up our relationship for anything.
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