Since this Christmas season finds us with four new companions, one dog and three Siamese cats, we will begin the Christmas festivities with some test decorations.
First, we put out the plastic poinsettias (real ones are toxic to cats). There, those look nice.
The day passed uneventfully. I have hope!
Wake up and pick up pieces of plastic poinsettias and reassemble plants. Re-place on shelf.
Today's agenda is to progress decoration process with some lights in window. Two battery operated candles held on by suction cups are placed at top of window. Strings of lights are detangled and plugged in to check for outages. All systems are a go. Husband begins attaching lights to window with more suction cups, but Benton starts chewing on light string before it's up. Sight of the cat with entire Christmas light bulb in mouth is alarming, to say the least. Lights are taken down and re-packed.
Agenda modified. Will string plastic bell garland up in bay window instead.
Garland is up.
Cats discover wonderful clinking sound of bell against window.
Hourly restringing of lights necessitated.
Wake up. Reassemble and re-place plastic poinsettia.
Restring garland in window.
Notice completely destroyed-by-puppy slat on brand new Futon. Does not bode well for Christmas tree.
Hide chewed sofa with blanket.
Pull out boxes containing Christmas decorations.
Put up artificial tree. Make quick run to pet store to buy bitter apple to spray tree and discourage chewing.
Decorate tree. Before decorations complete, Jack climbs 1/3 way up tree. Remove cat from tree. Remove broken string of beads that cat got stuck on.
Take picture of mostly intact tree (with new living cat ornament).
Awaken, re-assemble poinsettia, restring window garland, hide chewed sofa slat with blanket and spray tree with more bitter apple.
Release the kittens from bedroom where they spent the night to keep tree intact.
Slip on piece of broken beaded garland left in hall by cat.
Throw broken pieces away and fix garland strings on tree, leaving bottom branches bare. Moved all ornaments to higher level on tree. Count blessings that only Jack is messing with tree, Benton is content to play with fallen ornaments and tree skirt.
Awaken, find plastic poinsettia intact!!
Restring window garland, cover chewed sofa slat with blanket, restring tree beads and rehang ornaments from the floor.
Find puppy chewing on hard-to-find plastic-with-attached-plastic-hook cat-safe ornaments. Plastic hook now missing. Throw out ruined ball. Respray bitter apple on tree.
Find puppy chewing on another ornament after cat knocks it off tree. Throw out second ruined ornament.
Take last picture of tree with all ornaments and Jack. Remove all plastic ball with attached plastic hook ornaments from tree.
No, wait, not come to life ... full of squriming cats. Benton has discovered tree and has climbed 3/4 of the way up it. Unlike Jack, who climbs calmly from the bottom, Benton leaps at tree from a distance and starts to climb.
In act of betrayal, the normally demure Stuff Kitty is under tree playing with fallen ornaments.
Find Siamese cat tree ornament on floor missing attached hanging string. Remove all Siamese cat ornaments from tree.
While typing up day's entry, puppy brings what once was a knit Santa ornament made by Mom, but is now merely chewed red and white yarn. Must now go and remove all knitted homemade ornaments from tree.
Awoke, restrung window garland, covered chewed sofa slat with blanket, picked up all tree ornaments and re-hung on tree, and picked up stuffing from puppy-chewed throw pillow.
Startled short time later by vigorous ornament clanging from living room. Make way to room to see Benton hanging out mid-way up the tree shaking it. Not sure of mechanical ability that allows 7 pound cat to shake 50 pound tree, but attempt to gently remove kitty from tree. Benton unhappy with removal attempts. Knocks all ornaments around him off and watches as silly human tries to catch them. Catching process a miserable failure. Retrieve broken ornaments from floor and place on TBG (To Be Glued) pile. Scare kitty out of tree through cunning use of piercing shriek of frustration.
Remove all breakable ornaments from tree. Wooden soldiers and plastic candy canes remain. Restring broken beads. Make note in calendar book to go to after Christmas sale to purchase new decorations for next year.
Startled again by sound of Christmas tree branches moving. Run in to see Benton defy the laws of physics and scale outer edges of tree branches vertically. Attempt to stop bead garlands from breaking and falling as Jack dives into tree from window sill. Evil Cat Fred accompanies the merriment by running up and down piano keys. Dogs find chewed throw pillow again and play tug of war with it.
Have realized there is no alcohol in house. Must rectify this situation pronto!
Sad day here.
Christmas Tree has been beheaded. Attempts at reconnecting head of said tree succeeded but with considerable disfigurements.
Defeated, collection of remaining ornaments, plastic candy canes and wooden soldiers undertaken. Of wooden soldiers, five remain intact, one has lost both arms and six are AWOL. Although desire to retreat from attack of giant paws is understandable, desertion is never acceptable. Remaining soldiers will be awarded Medal of Honor in recognition of attempts to hold the Christmas Tree and stave off attacking feline army and double arm amputee will receive Purple Heart. AWOL soldiers will be shot (if ever located) and dishonorably discharged from Christmas army as punishment for desertion.
Awakened in middle of night by marauding kittens. Since nothing left to knock off tree, instead removed (previously thought to be) permanently affixed door stopper from bathroom door. Spent hours knocking it around floor. Dogs fought in doorway, slamming stopperless-door into tile. Not broken yet - phew! Must rectify situation post-haste.
Took picture of post-reconstruction-after-unfortunate-decapitation-incident tree. Additional procedures appear necessary.
AWOL soldiers not yet located.
Have lost all hope. Ornaments ... gone. Beaded garland ... broken. Tree ... destroyed. BAH HUMBUG!!
The tree sits pathetically dark in the corner of the room. Fear of possible chewing damage and/or decapitation breakage prevents test lighting of happy Christmas light strings. Its branches hang shamefully bare as if the tree lacks the strength to offer any safe haven for festive holiday decorations. The beaded garland strings are broken and hanging down, in mournful depiction of tree's holiday shame. Its skirt has long since been removed by vicious, spiteful beings who hide their vindictive nature behind soft fur, long tails and misleadingly sweet purrs. Their daily attacks remain relentless, though there is almost nothing left for them to destroy.
This I vow to my tree: I will return you to your glory ... as soon as I get new decorations and some energy back!
Kittens continue to climb tree. Badly twisted beads have been removed from tree.
Bare tree caused marauding kittens to pull down window garland and drag through house. Battery operated candle also removed by kitten. Batteries found but remain alarmed at failure to locate bulb. All window decorations removed.
Two AWOL soldiers have been located and are awaiting trial.
New unbreakable ornaments await placement on tree scheduled for Christmas Eve.
I awoke and I stared
At the little furry faces
That thought that I cared
So I got out of bed
Went into the backroom
So they could be fed
Shuffling my feet
I saw the cat smile
His joy was complete
He’d found the bag
in which I hid some toys
some mousies and teasers
for my cat girls and boys
He stood atop a chair
So that he could reach
The bookshelf I’d used
To hide the toys out of reach
As I reached for the dishes
There arose such a clatter
He grabbed the bag and ran
Like a freaking mad hatter
Through the hall and each room
He pulled his bag
With Jack close behind
Chasing the toys Benton dragged
The others soon heard
And the chase was begun
Cats running to and fro
With the dogs looking on
The tree shook and shivered
As the cats ran around
Wrapping the toy strings
‘round the tree base on the ground
Quick as could be
I tried to pull the bag free
But that my dear friends
Just wasn’t to be
The bag was all twisted
And tied in a knot
So I crawled ‘neath the tree
And I cursed quite a lot
Now listen my kitties
You listen to me
Stay the **** away
From my poor Christmas tree!!!